went to the lola young concert with sam last friday and her voice is so good.

it was at the o2 brixton and we had brothless ramen for dinner beforehand.

brixton is so vibrant and buzzing in the summer. speakers were blaring and people were crowded onto the streets by the food market. i kept gawking at everyone’s outfits, jealous of the 90s style cropped tees on the guys.

at the concert, while we were waiting in the crowd for lola to come on and sam was in the bathroom, a group of young girls and their gay friend posted up next to me and i could immediately tell the girls were going to be obnoxious and annoying. in my distant youth, i fought girls exactly like them in lines, in crowds, in bars. there’s a specific form of deluded entitlement that blossoms in this brand of girl when she gets drunk, but now that i’m in my 30s, i for the most part let it slide. they’ll (hopefully) grow out of it.

at one point during the concert, one of them spilled a beer all over my side. i turned to look at her and she looked embarrassed and vaguely apologetic, but she didn’t say anything. she kind of just gritted her teeth and swayed. i made a big show of taking my top off, secretly thankful for the excuse because it was boiling in the venue but making sure i looked annoyed.

later on, the girls got into a fight with another group of girls who somehow also ended up beside us. it got to a boiling point during the encore (which was aptly titled “messy”), and they started aggressively shoving and yelling at each other. a couple of guys got involved to break it up. i sort of noncommittally reached out my arm as a limp gesture for them to stop, but really i didn’t care. they were ruining the encore.

as we were all leaving the venue, sam, who had previously been too absorbed in lola’s performance to pay any attention to the commotion, took a keen interest in their drama. apparently their gay friend started to cry as the crowd sluggishly escaped to the open air.

honestly, i’m so glad i was never friends with girls like that (no offense if you are or have ever been a girl like that. and if you are, please practice some introspection 🙏, and if you were but grew out if it, congratulations, i’m so proud of you!).

last week was consumed by playing saros, which is the kind of game that demands you keep going; onto the next boss, the next biome, just one more run – half an hour turning into an hour turning into hours. it ate up all of my free time, to the detriment of my reading, my writing, my updating this blog. but i beat it on saturday night so i’m back now.

here are some things i remember from last week:

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– sunday –

my one searing memory from sunday is a deep sense of gratitude. i remember really thinking about how my life has been built on the generosity and kindness of others, how things seem to always work out even though i only ever step forward one foot at a time (i’ve never been one for a five-year plan), and i know it’s because so many people are looking out for me.

i am grateful for my life and for the people who make it possible.

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– monday –

i remember waking up to the sound of softly falling rain. i’d slept in and it was already afternoon. went grocery shopping at my new local lidl and got a meal deal from sainsbury’s for lunch. nobody ever really thinks about how you have to adjust to new shopping habits when you move – to the often confusing layouts of stores you’ve never been to, to new trends of stock and inventory, learning what products you have access to, what you don’t, what brands and ingredients you might have to substitute.

later, i went to the gym, and after the gym i explored wood green mall; first the food court and then the primark, where i spent £50 on a bunch of hats, socks and a pair of shoes. i was basically raised in malls (my parents would take us to the eaton centre after church as kids to keep us entertained, and my first forrays into working life were in retail) so i find them comforting and familiar. i walked around with a big smile on my face, feeling a small sense of home, an unexpected swell of love.

i expect that whenever i feel lonely, i’ll ony have to walk the ten or so minutes to the mall to feel a little bit better. i’ll sit in the food court, i’ll write in my journal, i’ll pretend my mom’s just gone to the bathroom and will be back soon.

sometimes it can be hard being so far from home.

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– friday –

after break bread (which was delightfully busy!), i went to mereme for some downtime, to read and have coffee. reading at a coffee shop with a nice cup of coffee is such a simple but invaluable pleasure. it elevates any day, at least for me.

i hadn’t been to mereme in a while since i’ve moved away so i was looking forward to seeing the owners, one of whom i thought had a minor crush on me (not a real crush, the owners are a couple), but he was a bit cold and distant while taking my order. it knocked me down a couple of pegs, and when i sat down, i journaled about how i’d been humbled and i need to stop being so delusional (even though i love being delusional).

this is an actual excerpt from my journal that day:

I’m in Mereme, was looking forward to this, a warm greeting, maybe a form of recognition – but Slim was a bit cold, maybe stressed

“How are you guys?”
And he said, “Busy.”

One word, and then he started busying himself with his phone. And maybe that’s a good thing, to humble me a little bit. I create silly famtasies in my head, fuel a dangerous and misguided delusion of my own beauty and irresistability, but at the end of the day, I’m just a person, just another customer, another face in an endless sea of faces.

but then, later, slim gave me some free baklava and sat down to have a quick catch up with me, and i thought, well, maybe i’m not so delusional after all. maybe it’s a fun, whimsical and appropriate level of delusion.

if i were to start a perfume line, maybe i’d call it “whimsical delusion – eau de parfum.”

unrelated, but here’s another excerpt from my journal that day:

Life is full of choices, of forking roads that branch out into the paths we take and the lives left unlived, filled with questions and lingering possibilities.

We make a choice and it becomes one facet of a diamond spinning in the dark. And every other facet exists as a part of ourselves, a sense of possibility that lives glimmering within us.

At least, I would like to think so. I would like to believe that nothing is wasted.

in the evening, i babysat for jeni and tim and thought about how different my life is from my life in toronto, how things have changed. on a typical friday night in toronto, i’d be getting ready to go out with friends, downing shots and preparing to be whisked away by the night.

instead, i sat and ate takeout, read a book, marvelled at how nice and powerful jeni and tim’s living room lamp was. and later, as i walked home, i was struck by the lovely quality of distant light in the darkening sky, the abundance of green from the surrounding trees and herbage. it was so peaceful.

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– saturday –

i slept in again, woke up at about 2PM and went to krish’s housewarming party, which oonagh kindly invited me to. his new place is literally about a 5-minute walk from where i used to live, also in finsbury park. on the way there, i stopped at pretty shiny shop to get a housewarming present. i settled on a kitschy dish towel that said “My favourite salad is wine”. i figured, like underwear and socks, one can never have too many dish towels.

i’m not sure what i was expecting, but i was pleasantly surprised and impressed by the party. krish’s new place is beautiful, with a huge back garden where he was having a barbecue.

maybe when i hear “housewarming party” i still think of the parties people used to have in university when they’d move into a house together – basically just another excuse to get a bunch of people together to binge drink and get a little wild – messy, high-octane and chaotic; loud music, dim rooms and a bit of a blur of names and faces and hands.

but we’ve all grown up and krish’s party was a grown up affair, with parents and kids, an extensive menu written on a chalkboard, and everyone behaving sensibly, maturely – no sign of the chaos and disorder of our youth. everything was pristine and well thought out, the sun was shining, everyone was in a good mood.

i can’t tell if i miss the constant haze of montreal, but i think i’m happy with this new form of contentment. there was a time when i craved staying out and living in the buzz of an endless night, but i’ve reached a point where it’s nice to get home at a reasonable hour and have enough time to wind down.

sometimes i worry i’ve lost a sense of adventure, but i realize i often conflate adventure with recklessness and instability. it’s okay to have new kinds of adventure. slowly, i am seeing new things grow.

yesterday evening, i was on a bus on my way to a deanery synod meeting, minding my own business with my kindle out, when a much older man came onto the bus and sat right next to me, pressing up against me, even though there were several other empty seats available.

he started talking to me, asking me where i’m from, then hinting at something suggestive and seedy. i had my airpods in and was clearly trying to read and this man was still in my space, badgering me. he kept talking so i took out an airpod and turned to face him.

“you live around here?”
“no I live in finsbury park.”
“ah, finsbury park, you go to the park a lot?”
“no.”
“maybe see you at the park tomorrow?”

and then lecherous eyes, a crooked almost-sneer, and i said, for some inexplicable reason, “maybe,” instead of just flat out shutting him down.

i don’t why i do that in these horrible situations. i don’t know why i seem to play mildly along, suddenly incapable of standing up for myself, instead of telling these men off or simply getting up and moving away.

i think i’m afraid of offending people, of making anyone feel bad for anything. and i simply endure, knowing i can bear it, instead of risk anything escalating, or maybe making a scene. but that’s the wrong way to go about it. anything less than telling these people off, maybe even yelling at them, is an encouragement. next time, i will make a scene, so they know what they’re doing is wrong, for the sake of anyone else in my position.

but knowing men like this, it will do little to discourage them anyway. these men are insane. he just kept saying “you’re nice, you’re nice,” as i looked out the window, and finally he got off.

i wonder what the success rate is for stunts like this. cruising culture suggests that some guys might actually be receptive to these advances. but i need to start telling people that i for one am not.

maybe i should go ahead and burn my “i think we should kiss” cap. i’m sure it didn’t help the situation at all.

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the gym i now go to is attached to a wendy’s and a five guys, which is so dangerous. i did a workout, even did a little run at the end, and then immediately went to wendy’s because i hadn’t had it in years. i wanted to remember what it tasted like.

it was…not good. i posted as much on my story and a few people said that it’s good in canada. honestly, i don’t remember it being particularly good there either, or i feel like would’ve eaten it more? so i put a poll up asking if wendy’s is good in canada and right now it’s split 50/50 with 18 votes. i’m going to have to try it next time i’m home and give a verdict.

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saw a rainbow as i walked home from the gym. i actually feel quite sad for the lgbt+ community, what with the rise of right wing and conservative strains of homophobia across the globe. it feels like we’re taking steps backwards.

i saw an instagram post about how london’s only reform council has cancelled an annual pride flag ceremony and will pull funding for future pride events. support for same-sex marriage among adults in the u.s. has declined for the first time since 2023 (largely due to decreased acceptance among republicans, with only 37% in favour of it).

i actually don’t care about traditional marriage (as long as there is an available equivalent structure that provides the same legal protections, rights, and even blessing, etc.), the straights can keep that if they’re so up in arms about it, but i do think it speaks to a growing culture of disenfranchisement and othering – a stripping of public visibility and coordinated efforts to disempower and do away with.

add to this things like book bans, the demonisation of trans people, the positioning of queer culture as inherently dangerous for traditional families, etc. etc. etc., and it’s feeling really bleak. but it’s important to not lose hope, to know that tides turn, and truth and love will always, in the end, prevail.

humanity is diverse. queer people have always existed and will always continue to exist, regardless of whatever forces try to stomp us out. we add so much colour and magic to the world, and we’re hated for it; so many people find this particular vibrancy so threatening, afraid of their own realities shattering by the mere proximity to something different or new.

but we are beautifully resilient, and our spirit will endure no matter what comes our way. at least, that is what i cling to when things are feeling a bit dark. gotta keep fighting the good fight.

fell for yet another instagram ad and impulse bought a hat that i thought was charming and cute. if i wear it around enough, i wonder how long it’ll take until i get an offer from a stranger.

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i found myself locked into my flat today as i was trying to leave for work and faced slowly rising panic. my flatmate miranda came down to look at it too and we couldn’t figure it out. i knew it had something to do with the black button on the lock, but pressing it didn’t do anything and we concluded it must be jammed.

there was no escape through the back garden, surrounded by the back gardens of other flats, so i ended up crawling through my bedroom window to get to work. texted george about it and he said to hold fire on calling a locksmith until he could come and see it. he said he’d come in the evening.

after work, miranda let me in through the window again, and eventually, george came in that way too. he took one look at the lock, slid the little black button down, and the door immediately opened. just earlier today i had a conversation about how i hate seeming incompetent and dumb, and this was honestly a hilariously humbling moment for me. knocked me down a few pegs and let me know i shouldn’t take myself too seriously.

george and i laughed and laughed and he made a joke about how i was just pretending to have a broken lock so he’d come over more urgently and build the rest of the furniture i need. honestly, it was a blessing in disguise because he eneded up building and setting up both the mirrored cabinet for the bathroom and the chest of drawers in my room (and also making some recommendations on what else i can do down the line to make my room more functional and homey).

now i’m fully set up, fully unpacked, and fully at home. i feel like i can breathe easy and relax, really settle in. i found my lorde wig while i was unpacking and put it on while i finished unpacking the rest of my stuff, and then had a bit of a photoshoot in the new mirrored bathroom cabinet. it’s really not a very good wig.

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seems like everything is falling into place. my sister and i have been texting about a trip we have in july – cornwall, provence, paris – so many things to look forward to. maybe i’ll wear my new hat in the city of love, see if a handsome french man with an irresistable accent will come and sweep me off my feet in front of the louvre.

a man can dream.

it’s officially the first day of the latter half of the year and everything is new new new. feels like time has really flown by.

i’ve moved into a new flat, spent basically all of saturday building and seting up furniture. made a cozy lil nook by the window of my ground floor room. i actually don’t mind living on the ground floor because it feels weirdly private, even though my room shares a wall with the living room. i also love the easy access to the kitchen.

for my lil nook, i had a vision in my head of a little desk and bookshelf so i’m glad that materialized. now all i have to set up are a chest of drawers for a little alcove in my room, and a mirrored double cabinet for the bathroom. once that’s done and i’ve finally unpacked the rest of my stuff, then i think it’ll finally truly feel like home.

i also went to my new home gym for the first time and it was nice. it was the first time i’d been to the gym since last monday, i’ve been so busy with the move and everything. i feel like i haven’t been living my real life. it’s a bit dangerous though because the gym connects to both a wendy’s and a five guys. a bit insane.

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i went back to my old flat in finsbury park to remove a couple last bags of rubbish from my room. to get to my old flat, i had to wade through the wreckage of the arsenal parade that happened yesterday. everyone keeps saying that over 1.5 million people showed up (apparently it was the largest parade ever held in the uk) but i’m not sure where they’re getting those numbers from (edit: supposedly it was confirmed by the metropolitan police).

i for one avoided the whole thing completely. i could not care less about football. everyone thinks christianity’s a cult, but somehow rabid football fans get a pass even though it’s literally so inconsequential to real life. i guess there’s something to be said about bolstering the human spirit and giving people something to look forward to and get excited about, but i truly don’t get it at all. maybe the parallel with religion is a good one for me to consider to try to understand.

anyway, the streets were littered with piles and piles of rubbish, it was abysmal. i took a photo of not even a particularly bad bit. i had lunch at the tonkotsu right at finsbury park station and the woman working there said they’d prepared for a lot of rushes, but they actually didn’t get that much business. she said they saw more business on a typical bank holiday. crowds and crowds of people passed by, but not many came in.

“you would think that if there were really a million people, some of them would have to eat!” she said, confused.

but that wasn’t the spirit of the day. nobody was looking for a nice, calm, relaxing meal. i imagine everyone was restless and buzzing, looking to be in the electric crowd. no time for food.

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at my old flat, my ex-landlord asked if i wanted a ride back to my place with my bags of rubbish, and i declined. unfortunately, things had soured between us by the time i moved out. i think each of us finds the other to be a bit difficult and rigid in perspective.

i remember once a couple of months ago, i brought up the fact that we’d been missing toilet paper for about a week. at that point, it was known that he bought all the supplies and did all the cleaning; he’s older and retired and has a lot of time. i actually offered to pitch in with the cleaning when i first moved in but he’d said he preferred to do it himself because he was rather particular. so it was understood that he did all the cleaning and bought all the cleaning supplies and that was kind of worked into our rent, and this is how it was for over a year.

so i asked him about the toilet paper, saying i could grab some if he was feeling ill or something, and he said, “i was waiting for one of you to bring that up. i wanted to see how long it took before anyone noticed, but i think i’m going to start getting you all to pitch in a little more. i feel like i’m being taken for granted.”

playing passive agressive games as if the three grown men he has as tenants are little children who have to be taught a lesson.

i told him i didn’t appreciate the indirect way he went about communicating this, and that it actually wasn’t my responsibility to read his mind and guess that suddenly things had changed even though we’d been living with given expectations for over a year. i said if i’d been feeling taken for granted or whatever and if there was some sort of problem, i’d let the people involved know, like a mature adult, and work towards some sort of solution or understanding.

then the conversation devolved into him saying that nobody ever thanked him for the work he does to improve the house. i told him that those improvements were for the longevity of the house he owns (and has an invested stake in), that any improvements were at best marginal for my day to day, and that actually the inconvenience of the work being done (shutting down the kitchen for a week, not being able to shower for certain time periods, etc.) actually outweighed any improvement to my life – so no, i wasn’t feeling particularly grateful and i wasn’t going to fake it to people please.

i did say something along the lines of, “i’m sorry you’ve been feeling underappreciated or that you’ve been taken for granted, because that’s not nice.”

but i maintained that the work he’d done to the house was more for him than anyone else and was carried out with no input from any of us tenants, so i’m not really sure what warranted a big show of thanks.

anyway, i don’t think he appreciated my honesty. such is the british way, i guess. definitely a culture clash with what seems to be my more direct north american sensibilities. i just figure, why wallow with all of you’re negative emotions and perspectives? they’re just going to fester, turn rancid, and build self-righteous resentments. don’t you want to give them the opportunity to at least be addressed, if not outright resolved?

i did feel bad though. he’s getting older (i think he turned 70 this year) and i think i could’ve been gentler in my rebuttals. sometimes maybe it’s okay to concede, to just say sorry or thank you. but actually maybe it’s never too late to learn when you’re being immature and unreasonable? i’m still learning when to pick my battles.

in the end, it was kind of a blessing that the arsenal parade happened yesterday and left so much trash on the streets. instead of carrying my heavy bags of rubbish all the way home, i simply left them with another pile of rubbish that was already there. what’s two more bags of rubbish on a pile of 6 bags? surely the city has prepared to clean up more than usual.

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recording for posterity’s sake so i remember nice things: after clearing the rubbish from my room, i went to eva cafe to claim a free drink (with my loyalty card) and read. got some ground beans that i later used with the grinder and french press that lydia and david gave me (a game changer).

as i was leaving, the barista told me to hold on a second – he wanted me to taste test the strawberry puree they just got in that they’re going to use to make strawberry lemonade. he effectively gave me a free drink. last time i was at eva cafe, they gave me a free pain au chocolat. i love that place, and everyone who works there. i also lovd free things, so that helps.

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i have a good feeling about the next half of this year. i have a couple fun things planned for the summer, and it feels like things are going to really start opening up in new ways. i want to get back to my new year’s resolution of getting good at being bored, of relishing quiet and true mindful presence.

chatted with my family and a frew frineds in canada and realized that those relationships will always sustain me as i carve out a path here. i think i need to make more of an effort in this city. i need to save and spend in more meaningful ways. i want to see things and do things and meet people. i want the bursting, invigorating life of real connection.

when two people meet, it’s like two galaxies colliding – all sorts of magic and possibility explode onto the surface, little supernovas blast through the ordinary to make something new and unpredictable. i want to remember that and not take it for granted. i want to venture into the hidden depths.

2am and i’m tired tired tired, but i wanted to make a quick note to say that i’ve moved into my new home in turnpike lane!

charlie (and his friend jake) helped me move before they head off to japan tomorrow. bought them (and sam) dinner at the chinese buffet on stroud green to say thank you. weirdly kept talking politics and religion with jake, and i found myself putting on airs. when i think i’m getting perceived a certain way, it jars me and i end up subconsciously playing into it or trying to subvert it. i’m not exactly sure what i mean, but i felt…not nervous, but somehow not completely natural. maybe i get like that when i’m feeling judged, and now that i think about it, maybe i was feeling judged by sam.

the topic of sex before marriage came up again (as it seems to somehow always come up in smaller settings with sam for some reason) and i posited that there are actually sex-positive interpretations of the bible that value covenantal love over the legalistic signing of a marriage certificate, and that there might not be anything inherently wrong with sex before marriage between two loving, consenting, committed adults (i know, hot take, maybe even heresy).

honestly, i’m on a journey of exploring purity and obedience etc. etc. etc. and refraining from casual sex anyway, but i hate how sex seems to be the hill that christians die on, the absolute barometer for gauging spiritual health when actually, in the grand scheme of things, i just don’t think it’s that big of a deal either way. gotta look into it, but i feel like Jesus didn’t say much about premarital sex? He seemed much more preoccupied with caring for the poor and outcast, so should we not follow that example?

like, why is the church so obsessed with sex, and so incredibly judgmental about it, i’m so over it. and i hate that someone will perceive me as somehow less faithful or completely spiritually misguided because i simply don’t really care whether or not people bang before they’ve signed a marriage certificate, when honestly it’s none of my business anyway. and i’m tired of the holier-than-thou, self-righteous attitude of superiority christians have over others because they might not have the same attitude towards sex.

on the flipside, i know how destructive and destabilizing sex can be outside of a healthy, loving, committed relationship, so i kind of get it. but something tells me that’s not quite what the typical conservative christian is worried about. it feels less like genuine care and concern and more like yet another thing to hit people over the head with, a way of setting oneself apart as somehow better, purer.

anyway, end rant. i was probably just being defensive because i have a chip on my shoulder when it comes to religious judgment and hypocrisy. i think i feel the need to side with people who get judged for having sex, and stand by them.

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i’m excited to live in the neighbourhood where i’m working. i hope it’ll make it easier to meet people and get better integrated into the community. i have a good feeling about it and i’m excited. i have visions of going to the farmers’ market on saturdays, joining a park run, sitting and writing at the local cafes.

funnily enough, i’m reading josh silver’s novel “fruit fly” right now, and one of the main characters is a gay drug-addicted sex worker living in a halfway house in turnpike lane, so there’s a claim to fame. how exciting!

i’m also happy to be living close to a mall, because i miss malls. my first jobs were in malls. i lived next to a mall in toronto and it was so incredibly convenient. perhaps i’m more of a capitalist shill than i care to admit 😔

it is so, so hot in london right now. apparently it’s only 26 degrees celsius but i feel so much hotter than i ever feel in toronto because this city isn’t built for the heat. virtually none of the buildings have air conditioning so it’s up to our bodies to regulate the temperature, and i think the general consensus is that they are not up to the task. i’m lying naked in bed, staring out my bedroom window at the bright blue sky, the glaring 7pm light burning buildings across the street.

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most of thursday was spent setting up my shitty temporary phone while waiting for my insurance-covered replacement phone to arrive on friday. went to the o2 shop on holloway road and the guy who helped me was really friendly and hilarious (shout out to o’dane). my sim card was free, so i asked if it would help if i left a good google review for the trouble, and he said:

“oh my god yes please. there was another shop down the road that was shit and closed down and this one opened up, but we got stuck with their shitty reviews.”

so i left a review. i’ve actually been getting into the habit of leaving good reviews when i like a place. makes me feel like i’m doing a good thing.

thursday evening i watched kokuho, and it was amazing. visually, it was stunning, and what an incredible glimpse into such a fascinating and esoteric world – the art of kabuki. the narrative follows two young, competing onnagata (men who specialize in playing female roles, as women were historically banned from performing) on their rise to fame – it’s a story about brotherhood, loyalty, and the sacrifices one makes in pursuit of honing a craft to perfection. made me wish i was as devoted to anything in my life, but also grateful that i’m not, because that kind of devotion comes at a cost.

at about a 3-hour runtime, it was quite long, but i didn’t mind. the whole experience was so beautiful, and they used snippets of show-stopping kabuki performances as set pieces. the respect and love for the art was so palpable, i can understand why it’s now the highest-grossing japanese live-action film of all time. anyone who loves beautiful filmmaking will love it.

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went to selina’s first birthday party on saturday and it was very sweet. lots of young families with their young babies. i find babies so fascinating, i always want to know what they’re thinking, how they’re experiencing the world. everything must be so new, and time must move so slowly.

there was a cute dad there that i had a crush on. we talked for a while and there was kind of a flirty vibe if i’m being honest, but i think i bring that out in people. we all need a little validation now and again, and i don’t mind being a boost in someone’s confidence. no harm in an innocent crush and some light flirting when everyone knows it’s a dead end. call it a form of practice, a little dance that can give a moment a bit of edge.

to be completely honest, i wish gay guys would flirt with me as much as straight guys do. i’ve been out of the game for too long and i know i’m rusty.

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because i watched kokuho and had recently read hooked, i decided to treat myself to a nice japanese dinner on saturday night to satisfy a craving. went to itto on stroud green for the first time and it was honestly very nice, if maybe a bit overpriced. had the itto bento box (“spicy prawns, clams and squid, prawn tempura, edamame, mooli”), which was delicious. i also ordered the chef’s roll thinking it wouldn’t be enough food, but i ended up packing those up in a to-go box because the bento box was actually quite filling.

it was so hot that even though it was late evening and the sun had already set, i could still feel myself sweating as i sat and waited for my food. i poured myself glass after glass of water, trying to distract myself from the heat with my kindle.

across from me, three women sat around a table talking animatedly, gesturing, leaning in, listening, laughing. sometimes i think i need more friends in this city. i tell everyone that it’s hard to make friends in london and everyone i speak to, local and foreign alike, confirms.

sometimes i think it’s a me problem. i’ve always felt one degree separated – somehow slightly disconnected – from any group of friends i’ve ever been a part of. i remember in high school and university feeling like a bit of a satellite, orbiting other friend groups, jumping from planet to planet, and while being for the most part welcomed in, never quite feeling as at home as everyone else seemed to be in the group. maybe that’s not fair to the close friends i do have, who are actually many and who i dearly love. it’s definitely a me thing.

at the pub on monday night, someone told me i have walls up. i don’t feel like i do, but maybe you don’t notice when you do? maybe she’s right. truthfully, i want to go to therapy and talk my way to the bottom of things, see if there’s anything from my childhood (according to “couple’s therapy” and “where should we begin“, it’s always childhood) that’s getting in the way. i want to get hypnotized in case i’m repressing anything, but i’m also afraid i’d just start unconsciously making things up, and then i’d get treatment for something that’s not even real, a whole set of dynamics based on complete fiction, once again making problems where there are none.

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today was my church’s annual parochial church meeting, and it was swift and painless. it’s crazy to think that it’s been less than a year since i started working there. i feel like i’ve already changed so much.

i move into the neighbourhood this week and i have a really good feeling about it. i think this summer is going to be wonderful and dreamy, and i feel ready for my heart to open up in new ways. life is so mysterious and unpredictable.

after the meeting, maya and i went to gurmani for lunch. finally had the khachapuri (boat-shaped bread stuffed with white cheese, topped with egg and butter) and it did not disappoint. bread, cheese, butter – hard to go wrong with a recipe like that.

and once again, we were sweltering, pouring glass after glass of water, downing coca-colas. there’s something about coca-cola that’s so refreshing in the heat, and i don’t know what it is. i remember going to italy with bram and constantly having to buy bottles of it to cool down. that’s actually a happy memory for me, a nice association. wandering beautiful streets with a beautiful boy, not a care in the world but for the next bottle of coca-cola.

might keep this japanese cuisine kick going and go back to tonkotsu for their summer ramen for dinner. how often do you have to treat yourself before it stops being considered a treat?